The Phantom Squirrel.

This is not a kid-friendly post.

My downstairs neighbors get high a lot. There are two of them, and one does not appear to ever work, and they get really really high on their back patio - the smoke rises into my dining area - and then they laugh. (They laugh the most annoying laughs on the planet, but that's another story for another day.)

So, they get high, they run around the house having what sound like tickle fights, and they have a lot of friends over. But it's an apartment, and they keep the noise largely to end of the building where bedrooms are not, so I try to keep my cool.

The property manager stopped in last week, and asked about the squirrel in the attic.

Pardon. What?

She said, "Oh yes, S and R downstairs say there is a squirrel in the walls and ceiling, and we need to get into your apartment, to access the crawl space, to set a trap for the animal."

Folks, I work from home. I hear everything that goes on 'round The Terrace on weekdays. I would be very, very surprised to learn if there was an energetic and winter-avoiding squirrel camped out above me. But hey, I'm a renter, it doesn't cost me money to let the maintenance crew in. And if the weed-smokin' twins downstairs heard something while high as a kite one night, let's get an answer to it. So I was asked to fill out a work order, with a detailed description. I wrote:

Our downstairs neighbors believe there is a squirrel in the walls. We have not heard any noises and do not there is one. We give permission for maintenance to access the crawl space through our apartment, even if we are not home.

We were gone on 12/31 when the kindly maintenance crew visited. They left a note, and honestly, I wish I could find this gentleman "Rale" out there, to let him know how dearly I appreciated his missive upon returning from the coast. Lugging leftover food and drink, dirty clothes, blankets, mail and a big stockpot up the stairs, we reached the landing to find:

"I went into your attic to find rodentia, to no avail. Alas, I shall not return."