High / Low

High / Low is a game that John and I play at dinner sometimes, and we were sure to play it each night while his (our) niece was staying with us for two weeks, as part of our Christmas gift - which was sending her to her first summer camp.

The day she arrived, August 1st, I had the highest high and the lowest low that occurred on the same day, in the same incident, that I had had in a long time.

That morning, despite having read a story precisely about this happening, I walked Reno with the retractable leash. I know it's not a good idea, but he likes it a lot since it gives him a little more range than the normal 6' leash, and it gives me a welcome break on the occasional walk - I don't have to pay as much attention wary of tangling since the leash takes care of it for me.

But you see where this is going. In quick succession, on a route we never walk, I walked into a spider web. I gave a little "eep!" and tried to wave the threads from off my face. While doing this, I loosened my grip on the leash, so it was lightly secured in my hand.

However, the "eep" and scuffle of my foot scared Reno. And he darted away (as he does to every crushed leaf, cracked branch, scuffed foot, garbage truck, siren, car door, shouting kid, bouncing basketball… and so on…). Usually, no big deal. But you, of course, recall the loosened grip.

Yup. Down went the leash handle, BANG, on the sidewalk. And then it zipped up toward Reno, retracting as retractable leashes are wont to do.

And off he went.

Like a freaking shot. I've never seen him run so fast. If he even could hear me over the clatter clatter clatter of the leash bouncing behind him, he was out of ear shot in under eight seconds. This was a moment that it would have been really nice to be a runner. But as it was, I reached VO2 max in about sixteen seconds, long after I'd seen the last corner Reno rounded and had no idea where he was headed next. I stopped shouting and started texting John in desperation.

He asked if he should come home, and I said no. He said I should go home, get the car, and drive slowly around the area I last saw him, and call his name.

Low point.

So I walked, jogged, ran, walked again, huffed and puffed my way home. As I walked, I sent a crazy email to my boss that read, "Not sure when I will be in today; dog ran off and I have to look for him."

I started to sniffle and cry. How could I have done that? How could I have dropped the leash? I kept seeing him, flattened out and running full tilt, tail between his legs, glancing back in terror at the horrible clattering monster that wouldn't stop chasing him. Was that the last time I'd see him? Oh god. I remembered that he had on his citronella collar but not his real collar with his tag. Not that he would let anyone get near him, and sure, he is microchipped, but it feels like a long shot.

With a stitch in my side and a hitch in my step, I rounded the corner onto our lawn and for less than a split second - for less than even a full thought - I couldn't believe the insult of a god damn cat on the front porch.

But no!

Not a cat!

A little red dog! A panting, ears folded back, nails-scraped, tail wagging, waiting patiently, leaning against the front door little red dog!

I couldn't believe it. I kissed him on the face, let him inside, and took off one beat-to-hell retractable leash.

High point.

Advent

In church this week, Reverend Bill talked about the season of Advent that the Christian calendar is now starting. Four Sundays, four weeks of waiting, four weeks of joy and light and decor and shopping (ha!, he laughed too) before the birthday celebration of Christmas.

But, he pointed out, Advent was not always a joyous time. In other traditions especially it was, and still is, a season of deep darkness. A season of waiting and of wanting, of hunger. A season of wondering if the light, the abundance, the spring, will ever return - when each morning dawns later and each night comes sooner, and we feel so, so tired.

Having three pregnant friends around me, I thought, it's also a season of not-knowing. (Yes, every season is one of not-knowing in this life, but especially when you're waiting for a baby to come and you can't say, oh, "three more weeks," or "one more Friday!" and instead you just have to wait. And wait. And wait. Or sometimes, it comes too soon, and that's anxiety-inducing as well.)

The waiting season is not always joyous. It's not always easy.

I find that I am bringing more lights and more holiday decoration and even sneaking a few more cookies into my home, as talismans against the dark; as hopeful offerings to the one who I hope will tip us back the other way on the night of the Solstice.

It's not easy to remain motivated at work, or energetic in Zumba class, or to get up and write at 6:30 AM each morning (guess which thing has been canceled until the Solstice takes place...)

So taking the wise council of Reverend B, I'm trying hard to embrace the dark season. This means I'm sleeping a little later, and heading to bed a little earlier. I'm making a little tea and toast (right now, in fact). I'm letting a few responsibilities slide, and I'm scheduling a little more time with friends - I'm pushing myself away from the solitude of my own little hearth (which is blazing with gas-powered fire every chilly, dark night!).

And while I hope, and believe, that the light will return soon, I'm letting myself be a little afraid, too, that it won't. For that's the real darkness, and I'm letting in a little, as part of a rounded, full year of this life.

A new one.

First, you have to know how much I hate to be hot. I HATE IT. When hot, I become furious and mean and itchy and snap at people.

The downtown Portland shopping and in-out, in-out from store to store was making me hot. My rain coat keeps me warm, which is not good on a rainy day that is also 55 degrees (this is warm to a Westerner). Up four flights of stairs to my car in the lot, and I had the windows rolled down for some air, puttering toward the freeway entrance.

When I was panhandled WHILE SITTING IN TRAFFIC.

That's a new low, even for the clean, intelligent-looking, 21 year old young man with matching clothes and a Helly Hansen backpack. Does it seem remotely likely that walking up to my open window as I'm easing off the brake, and asking for change, is going to elicit a "yes"?

Gah. Chalk it up to Sunday Blues, perhaps.

I just gave a firm "no" and kept all commentary to myself - 'tis the season, after all.

My Annette Fantasy.

Do you know the story of Annette Funicello? She was 12, and in her school "Swan Lake" production in Burbank, Walt Disney saw her perform and picked her to be a Mouseketeer - and she went on to become one of the most popular TV stars on the show.

Perhaps you are too steady and mature to have ever had an Annette fantasy... where you're performing in a play, or even just walking down the street, and a casting director decides you are PERFECT FOR THE ROLE, and your life changes in the blink of an eye with, ahem, precious little work on your part.

I've had my share of Annette daydreams, and I suppose they fit the usual bill - when I performed in the 6th grade play, when I went to the state Geography Bee, when Kathleen Kennedy came to the theater I worked at in college for a film premiere of hers - of being selected at random, for no reason, to fulfill a great destiny.

Walking this past weekend on a lovely spring afternoon to the grocery store, I slowed down in front of the house I always slow down in front of, which has been for sale for 18 months or more, and is the perfect Craftsman with a big yard, a fireplace, it looks small from the front but is actually quite spacious and large, and sighed. I had an Annette moment. Maybe someone would say to me, "Oh, do you love this house?" And I would be able to answer, "Oh I've loved it since I moved to this neighborhood nearly four years ago. I would make it such a happy house with BBQs and Christmas decorations, gardens and music, gatherings and neighborliness!"* And they would say, "Then you shall have this house! For the enormous down payment of zero, because you are so worthy!"

It's funny - and I know it is - but it's dangerous too. When this type of entitlement attitude, this type of "above the rules" feeling goes too far, then grandiosity and isolation from my fellow man isn't far behind.

But hey, maybe the owners of the house are reading, and I can wish, right? For it is a fine distraction from the bore of plunking away money, week after week, into the savings fund that'll get me to that house, some house, eventually.

(*This house/Annette moment is also a nod for those Anne Shirley-lovers who read the blog, and how she secured the rental at Patty's Place by so loving the home and honestly vowing to not change its name.)

And despite myself...

It's almost Christmas Eve... and even if there isn't snow (like in my childhood Christmases), and even if there isn't a George Winston CD playing (though I can put it on the iPod if I want), and even if I *know* Santa isn't coming (is he?), and even though I don't have a new velvet dress to wear (but I do have purple tights)...

And even though I DO have work to do, and a bathroom to clean, and files to file, and supplemental food to cook plus gifts to buy for my various big-cooking Christmas hosts...

That magical, calm-and-quiet, anticipatory Christmas feeling is starting to sneak in at the edges.

I'm hearing "O Holy Night" and the cookie jar is lightly, but acceptably, filled. I'm planning to sign off work very soon, and I spent this evening in great holiday cheer with M and E, at their house. My whole world is taking a great big in-breath, and I have a holiday days date with the Little House books, a ridonk pile of gifts, egg nog, champagne, cozy blankets and my new husband.

Uh, just one more trip to Fred Meyer first.